Everyone needs a friend that loves and gives advise like Yoda. That is my friend Heidi. I haven't known her longer than a year, but I feel like it's been longer. We can laugh and she is just that sort of friend that you can vent to and she is not judgemental and just lets you rip your emotions. Then it's done. No pointing fingers. She's just real.
When life hands you lemons written by Heidi V.
Something I want you to keep in mind as you read through this post is that my life is a work in progress, just like the rest of you. I'm better at some of these things than others. I slip back for a while on something, then realize the impact it's having on my life, and make an effort to pull forward again. I take President Hinckley's advice to heart - "Try a little harder, be a little better." We all have demons to wrestle. If you've had a charmed life to this point, watch out. Your turn will come. I distinctly remember thinking somewhere around our 6th year of marriage that really we'd been awfully lucky. Then we buried two loved ones in a space of 6 months in the biggest series of trials of our lives. The beauty of it is that eventually things always get better. The pain is still there, but it's a scar now - a daily reminder, but without the raw edges of a fresh wound. Scars add character.
1. I am a child of God and He has sent me here. Has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way. Teach me all the I must do to live with Him some day. That simplest of Primary songs has such a potent message. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart. Remember that He cares about you. Don't forget to include Him in your daily trials and triumph.
2. Set goals. Daily, weekly and long term. I'm not a super nutcase about this, but it helps me to focus my efforts. When I don't have a direction in mind, I tend to waste a lot of time. They don't have to be big things, either. Just set benchmarks for improvement - cook one more meal this week than last week, exercise one more time than last week, etc.
3. Exercise. This is my sanity. I literally get sick when I slack off in this department. Having babies has done permanent (at least to this point) damage to my stomach function, so if I want to refrain from puking, I must run. But not only is it good for my body, it is definitely good for my soul. Alan can attest to the fact that I get awfully crabby and testy if I go more than a couple of days without a good workout. Several months ago, I began working out early in the morning even though I've never been a morning person. Jen and I both struggled with prying ourselves out of bed, but both have discovered that it makes our day go so much better to be up and moving before the kids. Other things that make this one easier are to find a workout buddy to keep you honest, sign up for races (bike, triathlon, run, swim, whatever) and to set goals with rewards. When I started running, I tracked my miles and rewarded myself when I got to 100 miles. Sounds like forever but it really wasn't. It felt so awesome to get to it. I think that along with this, just getting outside every day is really important. Fresh air and sunshine are good for the soul.
4. Decide to be happy. Yes. Decide. As I pointed out in my last post, for some people there is a literal chemical imbalance that needs to be corrected in order to make this happen. But for a heck of a lot of us, a conscious effort toward this goes a long way. There's one woman at church that I can always count on to be a cheerful ray of sunshine. She is so positive and pleasant to talk to. You'd never know that she's got a bucket full of family problems just like the rest of us. I truly believe that if you put forth the effort to paste on a happy face then your body language will follow. It becomes a good habit. I find that my mindset and mood influence the rest of the house rapidly. So if I can put the effort in to being cheerful, the rest of the day goes so much better. Some days are harder than others. Fake it 'til you make it. Listen to what's coming out of your mouth and think about if it's what you'd want to hear. If not, then pause, count to ten and redo.
5. Pity parties are ok. You're allowed to wallow for a bit when something crummy happens. Just don't linger for too long. Vent, holler at an inanimate object, run far...do what it takes to get it out of your system or it'll just fester. I have a handful of special people in my life that are my safe people. I can urp out my frustrations, my crazy thoughts, my whining, and they still love me. Then when you're done, direct your energy into something positive. The Angel Babies project was a lifesaver for me in a very literal sense.
6. Just say yes. When you're given the opportunity to serve, do it. Even if you don't feel like it. I learn something every time. Taking a meal to someone helps me realize that I've got things pretty good and helps me appreciate what I have. Spending time at DI refreshes my perspective on the useful life of items in my house, and what I can do to be more careful with the resources I've been blessed with. Teaching Primary gives me the opportunity to nurture little souls with the added bonus that it helps me refocus on the basic principles of the gospel. Cleaning the church with my kids teaches them to take care of things. Sometimes I grumble on my way out the door, but I'm never sorry I went. I have volunteered literally thousands of hours of my time over the last 19 years, and I am a much better person for it.
7. Just say no. Yes, this contradicts #6, but it's very important. I'm a person that tends to get used and abused because I say yes to everything. Then I wind up getting in waaaaay over my head and get super stressed out and crabby when I have a half dozen extra kids at my house until midnight, a deadline for work, a class to prepare, preschool to teach, a messy house, etc. etc. etc. There's a fine balance. Give of yourself, but not to the breaking point. I struggle with this one, because I feel guilty when I say no. This one is definitely a work in progress for me. But it is oh so liberating when I do manage to politely say no to something and walk away from it without any second guessing.
8. Connect with everyone in your house at least once a day. I've got this weird confession. I have a very easy time showing affection to my husband and to babies, but as my kids get older, I have a harder time verbalizing it. Same goes for my siblings and the rest of my extended family. I don't know why. I just do. So I make a conscious effort to give my kids a hug every day and tell them that I love them. I also make an effort to spend time doing something with each kid on a frequent basis. It is often just simply reading a book together, or coloring, but they appreciate it. Dates with Alan are also high on my list.
9. Do fun things with your family. Now this may sound really obvious, but it's so easy to let weeks slip by without doing much more than just the bare bones daily tasks. My kids positively light up when I plan something. It doesn't have to be big, either. Just going on a walk in the neighborhood makes everyone happy. Find a new park to explore and take a picnic. Make a giant fort out of couch cushions and blankets. Let them plan and help execute an interesting dinner. Go sledding, even if you don't like getting cold. Throw together an impromptu party - I'm doing one this afternoon, actually. This is the stuff that memories are made of.
10. Surround yourself with good friends. The old adage that to have a friend you must be a friend is very true. It just kills me when I hear someone whining about how they don't have any friends but they don't talk to anyone at church, slam the door on their visiting teachers, etc. Not exactly endearing traits. Yes, it often requires stepping outside of your comfort zone to initiate a friendship, and maybe even a few flops along the way. Just keep trying. Invite people over for a potluck lunch, or to go to the park. Find people that you have something in common with and build from there. I have a whole group of fabulous ladies that I've met since I started running, as well as a wonderful network of other angel mommies. Sometimes I feel drained, and like I don't have the emotional energy to go to a social event, but I almost always find something worthwhile in the end if I go anyway. I think people are fascinating.
11. Cultivate a new skill and find a passion for something. How many times have people told me that they could just never ever cook or run the way I do? Hundreds. That's ridiculous, folks. If you were around at the beginning of my marriage to eat some of my hideous failures, you'd realize that you too can learn how to be a decent cook. And I only started really running a year ago, for goodness sake. I dabbled in it here and there over the years, but nothing serious. Just find something that interests you and dive in. You need to have something to feel proud of.
12. Have an outlet for your creative energy. I'm not talking about art, necessarily. Everyone has a creative streak in some form or another. My current outlet is blogging (obviously). Cooking is another one for me.
13. Just keep moving. Last but not least (I like 13 - it's my lucky number), get up every day. Clean up, get dressed, fix real food and do at least one productive thing. That sounds ridiculously simple, but I know a lot of people that struggle with this. Wandering around in your pajamas all day long and eating dry cheerios out of a box is a fast track to depression. Everyone has a bad day on occasion. Just don't let it become two, then three, then four bad days. The basic principal of physics that an object in motion tends to stay in motion applies here. When we were in the depths of dealing with Elizabeth's diagnosis it felt like a major achievement to get through the basic tasks of every day living. Even now, sometimes when it gets to 4 p.m. and the day is feeling like a ridiculous flop, I take a deep breath, look in the fridge and focus on creating a great dinner. Having something tasty on the table for Alan to come home to makes me feel a whole lot better, even if that's the only thing I feel like I accomplished all day long.
